Have you ever heard the expression ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’, yet found yourself staring blankly at a display of books looking for the one with the most enticing visuals? Yeah, me too, so let’s get one thing straight: your Tinder profile picture is your book cover. If it’s crap, no one’s going to read it, let alone open up a dialogue. I don’t know about you, ladies, but I spend hours online swiping left to anybody and everybody who comes up on my Tinder feed. Maybe it’s my sick ego or maybe I’m actually not shallow enough to rate someone based on five blurry pictures and a one sentence bio, often made up of emojis. Call me old fashioned, because sometimes I am, but I find that attractiveness is not always captured in photographs. Presence and personality has a lot to do with it. Plus, in real life it’s a lot easier to tell if you’re funny or just plain creepy.
No, I can’t tell what you look like if you’re wearing sunnies in all your pictures; no, I won’t accept you if all you have are awkward selfies with no evidence of actually having friends or a life; and no, I do not want to accept a headless body with abs. Congrats to the gents on Tinder who have actually had a girlfriend before, I salute you. Well done on finding one the old fashioned way (although, obviously, it didn’t work out – enter Tinder), but let’s set one thing straight: I don’t even care if you have cropped her out – there is no room for pictures of you and your ex-girlfriend on Tinder, period. No matter how cute you look or how sparse your photo album is, having your ex in your Tinder photos is like having a ghost peering over your shoulder, haunting away any potential new flame. What’s more is that it makes you seem like a newly single desperado looking to fill the gaping chasm she left in your heart. Rest assured your ex-significant-other is unlikely to want to be part of your quest for a new mate. It’s disrespectful, gross and just downright stupid. I am not impressed by the evidence that you had a girlfriend before Tinder, and undoubtedly it will make me swipe left for two reasons. One: because you’re a absolutely rookie and two: because I will probably think I’m hotter than her, so obvi I’m outta your league. [Note: for any guys who think girls can’t tell the difference between a photo of you and a female friend vs a photo of you and an ex-girlfriend we can. Call it spider-senses.] Sorry buddy. May the legend of your ex-girlfriend live on – but not on Tinder… at least, not if you plan on finding a new one any time soon.
But hey, that’s just me. I have developed a pretty cynical view of Tinder, to the point where I actively deny any really hot guys because, it seems to me, they are taking the piss. Surely they could have a girlfriend/wife/band of groupies/ casual arrangement if they wanted one; it seems like they have just gotten so bored of the nightclub one-night-stand routine that they don’t want to even bother leaving the house now, preferring their women delivered straight to their door like a pizza… but sleazier.
Oh, Prince Charming where are you? All I can seem to find is ‘Prince Alarming’ and ‘Prince Much Shorter In Real Life’. Poor Tinderella. Looks like all the good ones are taken or have more dignity than to hopelessly trawl social media in a last ditch effort to find their perfect princess. Help me, Fairy Godmother, I think I’m turning into a pumpkin… *sigh*.