Five Things That Are Making You Unhappy

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Nothing sends us fruity like trying to settle into a daily routine after returning from a vacation. After escaping from reality for a while you might come back and notice that the things you once blindly accepted start to seem a little bizarre and the values that motivated you have change. Or maybe some of you will come back and cry, simply because your suntan is fading, solariums are banned and you’re still shallow A.F. Having just returned from a short vacation I’m feeling uncharacteristically zen and wondering why so many people are so habitually unhappy? Why am I paying $400 for a juice cleanse? Why do I care who J.Lo is dating? Why do I have to wear shoes? Holidays can’t last forever but they are a good reminder of the things we do almost instinctively to suck out the enjoyment of the other 49 weeks of the year. Here’s my quick pick of serial happiness threats: please be alert, not alarmed.

1. Caring more about fashion than friendship.
Throw out your insecurities: I’ve never once judged my friend for a repeat outfit or rocking a bit of 2008 wardrobe vintage. If I ever fall in with people who are vain enough banish me for not being in new season Alice McCall then push me in front of a bus call me Regina George. Not wanting to go out with the girls because you’re embarrassed about your out of date wardrobe means you either need to rethink your priorities or your friends.

2. Letting people that don’t care about you control your happiness.
Six words: He’s just not that into you. He may be nice as pie when you see him but if that is only ever on his schedule, if either of you are drunk or you’re both naked then chances are you’re not the Bey to his Jay-Z. It’s disappointing if your affections aren’t returned, even more confusing when they try to keep you on standby. But instead of trying to play the player move on. These hoes ain’t loyal? Why the eff would we be when you can’t even write back to a text message in a timely fashion.

3. Complicating the uncomplicated.
If you don’t like where you live, move. If you don’t like where you work, find a new job. If you don’t like who you’re dating then break up. Don’t all stand up and heckle me screaming “It’s not that easy!”, because often it is. In a modern, affluent society we are lucky enough to actually have choice and control over these things. You can always make more money but you can’t make more time. Live life simply by prioritising your happiness and quality of life over BS problems like housemates that steal your food or corporations that suck joy out of you for 50+ hours per week. You’re not a turtle: move out and quit your job. You could probably use a holiday.

4. Comparing yourself to others.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I was happy as Larry playing Uno with my imaginary friend until Jo Bloggs next door throws in a wild card with his new Tamagotchi. Suddenly all of my unembittered joy turned into sadness and longing because an imaginary Tamagotchi with imaginary digital poos just wouldn’t cut it. As we get older we get better and better breeding inadequacy and self-doubt. Treasuring items is not a crime but when obsessing about what you don’t have steals enjoyment away from what you do have and that’s where the problem lies. Rest assured, kids across the world with no clue of what they are missing are still screaming with delight and hitting each other with sticks like the good old days.

5. Wanting more stuff than you need.
The desire to accumulate possessions is strong but for most of us sitting on a big pile of shiny junk doesn’t make you feel like queen magpie. Vast piles of pointless, obsolete and out of season but “too good to throw away items” start to clog your living space like cholesterol in arteries. Accumulating lots of unnecessary stuff is not just bad for the environment but it will also mess up your Feng Shui and take away the peace and sanctity of you home. Like a questionable boyfriend, if in doubt, chuck it out. Re-gift it, recycle it or sell it and move on. You don’t need that useless crap in your life.

Running around shoeless in the sunshine maybe is one of the simplest joys there is, along with sharing good food and good company. The key is simplicity and enjoying what you have instead of pining for what you don’t have. You don’t need to take a holiday to escape from negativity, squash it at first sight like ants in your kitchen. Don’t covet thy neighbour’s wife, no use crying over spilt milk and mo’ money, mo’ problems, am I right?

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The Curse of the Distracted Man

As I sit down to write the fourth introduction to this post, I am painfully aware of how highly distractible I have become. Today I’m running off about four hours of sleep and three lattes but that’s pretty much my usual state. I currently have four-zillion-and-fifty-one things running through my head or buzzing through my phone, hurtling into my consciousness and bumping me off track like some obnoxious fat kid in a dodgem car. Boom. I’m halted. Productivity at a standstill once again as over-weight Bobby cackles maniacally and rears up for the next assault. Right, where was I? Oh yes, blog post: I was going to write about  being distracted or something like that but I can’t seem to sit still long enough to get anything out on the page.

With push notifications and unlimited Wi-Fi connections it’s bloody hard to focus our attention long enough to cook a piece of toast without losing interest, calling three friends and organising brunch instead. We are so overloaded with commitments and responsibilities that we can’t sit still for more than a minute without with churning through more unique thoughts than a nun on LSD. I like to call it the Curse of the Distracted Man (or Woman) and it’s a modern day epidemic that has us constantly disconnecting from the people around us. Example: I find it hard to take phone call in my own home without switching to speaker phone so I can trawl my Instagram feed, catch up on my emails and start a beginner’s course in Mandarin. Is it because I’m not interested in what my family/ BFF/Bae has to say? Not at all, I’m just so pressed for time and overcommitted than any unused opportunity to multitask seems like a careless waste. Sorry, Mum.

So, Sexy Singles, maybe Mum will put up with your constant distraction and your repetitious “uh, what, sorry… pardon?” but what about Mr. Distract-a-babe or Little Miss Disinterested? How can you capture someone else’s attention when you can’t even manage your own? Now that is a challenge. No matter how happy you are being single, you still want to know that all that hard work and glamour isn’t going unnoticed. Thank God for the constant buzz of our smartphones reminding us that we are still hot and still relevant. Naturally it makes sense that the majority of dates no are organised online nowadays. It’s easy, accessible and not to mention it softens the blow of rejection and allows for calculated flirty banter. Just one problem, when we finally make it down to dating town sometimes we can’t remember how to communicate without the aid of emoji’s.

For us, the distraction-afflicted phone addicts, how do our over-loaded minds affect our dating prospects? It feels like everyday life is a juggling act with 100 applications running and it gets harder and harder to prioritise them as we take on more and more responsibilities, let alone write back to text messages. I saw a great quote the other day, it read: “my brain has too many tabs open.” It was like a one-line description of this whole generation. As a group we often do a bloody terrible job at dating because we can’t follow a single train of thought for more than about 30 seconds. In theory, dating is pretty straight forward concept, just like going to the supermarket. Unfortunately, when I try and go to the supermarket I set off looking for some wholesome skinless chicken fillets and come home with 2 Curly-Whirlies, a tub of yogurt and a trashy mag (then wonder why my cupboards are bare and my stomach is growling).

Has anyone else struggled to get through even the simplest coffee date without an attack of the Gen Y phone-checking interlude? A few years ago it was downright rude to text or call in the company of someone else but now it’s become common place. Trying not to look at your phone on a date is the new generation blinking contest, both parties dying to moisten their eyeballs in the sweet pool of notifications that have gathered during the time it took to cover-off small and place your order. What is the meaning of those five loud vibrations my phone has emitted throughout dinner… maybe I should excuse myself for a “bathroom/selfie/Snapchat/Instragram/e-mail/Whatsapp break”. Maybe I can get away with sneakily checking my messages whilst photographing my dinner (thank god that’s also widely accepted these days… Phewww).

I don’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to telling my date to put his phone away. If anything, I jump at the opportunity to whip out mine for a quick sweep. We are so over stimulated it’s hard to sit still and have a regular conversation with someone without compulsively checking for messages or sharing inane memes from our endless collection of screenshots.  The cat doing yoga and pictures of my past brunches may have shown how worldly and hilarious I am, but more likely they pointed out that I’m just as distracted and self-involved as everyone else. And so the curse claims another victim. But wait, no it’s okay, he didn’t even notice my self-indulgent rampage because he was too busy sending urgent emails. Alas, it’s no fun playing hard to get when the other party has resigned themselves to a liking-spree on Instagram during dessert, before I’ve even had a chance to flash my catch-me-if-you-can smile.  *winky face, blowing a kiss emoji*

The guys that can leave their phone in the car while they’re at dinner and the girls who can mute their notifications for two hours without collapsing from FOMO are becoming a rare breed. So – if you’re trying to work out how to keep a date’s attention while you’re out eating (short of finding someone different to eat with) all I can suggest is that you try texting them.